


The Ballad of the Unfuckable Cullen Rutherford

by home_is_behind (albuscarfypotter)



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Dom Cullen Rutherford, Dorian is a Good Friend, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-23
Updated: 2017-08-23
Packaged: 2018-12-19 03:46:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11889306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/albuscarfypotter/pseuds/home_is_behind
Summary: Based on this prompt: The group plays Date/Marry/Dump. Cullen has an identity crisis when everyone would “Dump” him. Featuring: Awkward Inquisitor, long suffering friend Dorian and Cullen with his shirt off. A lot.





	The Ballad of the Unfuckable Cullen Rutherford

**Author's Note:**

> So the identity crisis thing could either have been angsty or played a bit tongue in cheek. Guess which way I played it?

Evelyn was having a night off. By choice of course. If you counted choice as being manhandled by a determined Qunari into the Herald’s Rest flanked by a narcissistic mage and a cackling Dwarf. Which she did. Because she could have totally taken them all if she had wanted to. She just hadn’t wanted to. And besides, her feeble protests had been met with deaf ears by all her so-called friends and a beer had been forcibly pressed into her hand by Sera who had warned her not to get too far above the ‘little people.’

“You know _Corphyeus_ won’t be taking a night off” Cassandra grumbled. It seemed she had suffered the same indignity as the Inquisitor but was taking longer to get over it. Evelyn was too tired to pacify her. It had really been too long since she had a break from thinking about the Inquisition or fighting monsters or flattering nobles and honestly she thought that Cassandra needed the break even more than her. She was surrounded by her closest friends, she was warmed by a roaring fire and when Dorian passed her something that tasted suspiciously like burning she didn’t even argue.

“Right who’s up for a few hands of Wicked Grace?” Varric grinned, a deck of cards already in his hands.

“Wicked Grace is rubbish and you’re a frigging cheat” Sera said.

“You wound me, buttercup. Just because I won all those cookies off you last time we played.”

“I woulda just ended up throwing them at people anyway. Frigging raisins. Eugh. Piss poor excuse for a biscuit that. Anyway I’ve got a better idea. Fuck Marry Dump. Goes like this. Three people. One, marry ‘em. Two, have a good roll about. Three, show them the door. One for each. No cheating. And then drink. Or something.”

“That sounds like an exceptionally bad idea” Cassandra said quickly. Evelyn privately agreed.

“Well that just means you haven’t had enough to drink” Sera grinned. “Don’t be all boring tight-laced.” She leaned forward to whisper “That’s why we didn’t invite Vivvy and Solas and well Blackwall didn’t want to come and no-one could find creepy so you’re it .”

Cassandra rolled her eyes and reached for another tankard, downing it in one. Varric raised his eyebrows, close to looking impressed.

“Why not simply fuck all of them?” Bull asked, sounding genuinely mystified.

 “I think that’s outside the scopes of the game Bull but I concede your point” Dorian said. His eyes were gleaming evilly and Evelyn’s sense of foreboding grew. She knew that look. No one was safe. “I’ve got one for you then, Sera” he said. “Josephine, Leliana, Cullen. Fuck Marry Dump. Go”

 “Easy” she said swiftly. “Boys aren’t for me. Cully-Wully gone. Leliana would be good for some fun if she wasn’t so uptight all the time and Josie knows her business. Definitely marriage material. Varric! Fuck Marry Dump. Hm. Solas, Blackwall, Cullen.”

 Varric screwed up his face and it occurred to Evelyn that she had no idea what Varric’s “deal” was. She had never heard him talk about any kind of relationship. It would be easy enough to assume that Bianca was the name of some lost love but it could just have easily been his mother or just a passing fancy knowing him. Still Varric wasn't one to back down. “I’d screw Solas. I like a challenge. Marry Blackwall because the beard makes me think of home. And Curly is gone. Seeker?”

 Cassandra glared at him but Varric would not be dissuaded. “Me, Hawke...” he didn’t even finish his sentence. Cassandra seized him by the front of his shirt and brandished a spoon at him all in one quick motion. “Silence, Varric. I know five ways to kill a man with one eating utensil.”

 “I’m terrified” Varric said, trying not to laugh. “Alright back off, crazy. I’ll give you an easier one.”

 It went on like that for some time interspersed with conversation and jokes and speculation about who would do what in bed. Evelyn was surprised about the beating Cullen was getting. Every time he came up, people dumped him unceremoniously. She had always quite liked Cullen. He was sweet if a bit shy and well he had nice arms and...

 “Alright, boss. One for you.” Boss considered her for a moment. “Sera, Dorian and the Commander.”

Evelyn felt herself flush. She obviously couldn't pick Cullen now. For starters, two of the three people were in the room. And second, it would be obvious what she was thinking. About his arms. And his face. And that _scar_. She shook her head slightly, trying to rid her foggy head of alcohol. It obviously had no affect whatsoever. “Well I’d fuck Dorian. He thinks so highly of himself I’d like to see him put his money where his dick is. And marry Sera.” _Because who doesn’t like a bit of instability in their life_  she thought privately. “And I guess our straight laced commander is gone.”

 “You wish you could get up on all this. I am not only witty and charming but also _exceptionally_  good in bed. So I have been told. I don’t like to brag.” Dorian said smugly.

“Chance would be a fine thing” Cassandra muttered and Bull snorted into his tankard.

Evelyn stood abruptly, suddenly desperate for the sanctuary of her chambers. "Well good night, everyone. If I’m not careful a night off it will also turn into a full day recovering and I don’t think Josephine would thank me for that.” She ignored their protests and arguments, giving them all a cheerful wave and Dorian a quick kiss on the cheek as she left.

She didn’t understand the sudden suffocating desire to be alone. She only knew that the game had started to feel cheap and she felt bad for some reason, like she had betrayed Cullen. Which was ridiculous. He was her friend, it didn’t mean she was required to say that she wanted to get in his pants or spend the rest of her life with him just to spare his feelings. He hadn’t even been there and it was just a game after all. She relaxed slightly lengthening her stride. She was just being silly. By tomorrow, this would be nothing.

*

“Inquisitor, could I borrow you for a moment?”

Evelyn started out of her reverie. It was mid morning and she was mentally preparing for the afternoon war council by gathering her thoughts about the coming days and where she thought she would be best placed. She hadn’t even heard Cullen approach.

“Of course, Commander” she patted the bench next to her and he sat down, clasping his hands together.

“It is...” Cullen swallowed . “Of a delicate matter that I wish to speak to you.”  

Evelyn’s heart immediately started thudding somewhere in the vicinity of her stomach. Oh God. What was he going to say? What would __she__  say if this was some declaration of undying love. Did she want that? Or worse. What if he was asking for her blessing o marry someone else? She wasn’t sure why he would do that but she was the Inquisitor, she was sure some part of that must include blessing unions and kissing babies or something. Oh Maker what if he had got a girl _pregnant_?

Cullen was looking at her and Evelyn realised she was supposed to say something now. “Well you know you can tell me anything” she blurted.

“I know. You’re a good friend, Evelyn.” He looked at her with that soft look he wore sometimes. She was never entirely sure what to make of it, she just knew it made her stomach go weird. In a nice way. “But some things are very embarrassing to share. Even with good friends.” He sighed deeply, his cheeks colouring slightly. He was clearly psyching himself up for something. “I heard that… you and some of the gang had a night off last night.”

Whatever Evelyn had been expecting, it wasn’t _that _.__ Her heart, which had somewhat resumed it’s normal position, plummeted straight into her stomach again. “Yes. It was a most welcome change of pace,” she said quickly, damning the way she got all formal and weird when she was nervous.

“Yes well… I _heard_ that there was some game being played? And that the general gist of it was that no one wanted to marry me _or_ fuck me.”

Evelyn fought the urge to laugh hysterically. “Where did you hear that?”

“Maryden was singing about it when I went to round up some of my soldiers this morning.”

Evelyn was, perhaps for the first time, infinitely glad that Josephine insisted on giving her all those etiquette lessons. It stopped her from not only from laughing in Cullen’s face about something that was obviously troubling him but also prevented her from immediately going back to the Herald’s Rest to hear this song for herself. “That is most unfortunate” she said. 

“But is it true?”

“Oh… well. I hadn’t really thought. Let me…” Evelyn stalled for time. She was a terrible liar. Cassandra thought it was one of her best qualities. “Um no I suppose you didn’t really come up that often.”

“But when I did I was always dumped?”

“ _Dumped_  is a strong word. More like passed over for better options.” Well that had come out worse that she meant it. “No what I mean is that when given the choice, people just didn’t pick you.” _How in_ Thedas  _was that better _?__ Evelyn knew her ears had gone red.

Cullen looked hurt and a little confused. “Am I really that bad?”

“No! You’re very… you know” Evelyn waved vaguely in the the direction of his face. “Objectively very handsome for some people probably.” Inwardly she cursed. She’d rather go five rounds with a High Dragon than try and deal with people’s _emotiona _l__  problems. She invariably said the wrong thing.

 “Objectively very handsome for some people probably?” Cullen repeated and it sounded really bad when he put it like that. Which is exactly how she had put it. _Oops _.__ She took a deep steadying breath.

 “Cullen you’re handsome. And very sweet. Maybe people just haven’t really had the chance to get to know you. You are very committed to the cause. You work a lot. You never really stop, you know?”

 “Oh” Cullen took a moment to digest this. And then, “Did _you_  choose to dump me?”

 “No!” Evelyn yelped. And then trying to sound more like herself and less like a mouse that had been trodden on, she tried again. “Yes. I mean not really. It was a horrible choice. The other two people were in the room and I was scared that Sera would try to poison me if I said I would dump her so really it’s not a fair contest.”

 “No I get it” Cullen said, standing up. “When given the choice, you just didn’t pick me.”

 “That’s not…” Evelyn started but Cullen spoke over her.

 “Thanks for your time, Inquistor. I have work to do. I am after all, _very committed to the cause _.”__ He stomped off, trying and failing to like he wasn’t stomping at all, and Evelyn let her face fall into her hands. She couldn’t even dwell on her mortification in peace though because then Dorian popped out of Maker knows where to flump down beside her.

 “I didn’t mean to overhear, I was just actively listening to your conversation, and I have to say I am impressed.”

 “Not now Dorian” Everlyn said through her hands.

 “What a wagon wreck…”

 “Dorian.”

 “I mean you _almost_  salvaged it at the end there but wow…”

 “DORIAN.”

 “I mean honestly who knew our commander could be so delightfully passive aggressive?”

 Evelyn gave up on trying to silence him. “I entirely messed that up, didn’t I?”

 “Oh yes, entirely,” he agreed delightedly. “I can’t wait to see what he’s going to do now. Our great Commander, used to the adoration of so many reduced to tavern gossip. Tavern gossip about how no one wants to have sex with him!”

 “Not tavern _gossip _.__ A tavern _song_ ” Evelyn said and then finally looked up to meet Dorian’s eyes. “Would it be completely terrible if we went and listened to it?”

 “Completely” Dorian said. “Let’s go.”

 *

 Cullen was going to wear a hole in the floor the amount of pacing he was doing. He was trying to sort out guard rotations but he was finding it difficult to concentrate. Mostly due to the fact that he was apparently unfuckable which in the grand scheme of things shouldn’t bother him but it _did_. He wasn’t a vain man by any means but he was only human and if had ever really stopped to think about it, he would have thought that he got a reasonable amount of female attention.

He thought of Evelyn. Something strange happened to his chest when he thought about the way she had acted during _that_  conversation. If he had been expecting her to soothe his manly pride, maybe even confess some sort of _attraction_  for him, he had been sorely mistaken and if anything she had left him feeling worse than before. It had been unfair to put so much on her. She had thousands of people to worry about, no wonder she didn’t care about some people not finding her friend attractive. That was the very least of her issues. He knew that. But it bothered him regardless. He knew he was being stupid. It would have been much better just to move on, pretend it didn’t matter to him and privately have Maryden killed. He shook himself. Not really. Or at least when he has asked Josephine she had admonished him and told him that she was _good for morale _.__ Cullen frowned again at the thought of it. Not good for __his__  morale.

He stopped abruptly, suddenly thoroughly sick of his own company. Maybe Evelyn was right. No one really _knew_ him. He got on with Josie and Leliana of course but they were trying to run an Inquisition together. His soldiers respected him, maybe even admired him but it wasn’t him they were having a drink with at the end of a long day. Evelyn was sweet enough, a breath of fresh air whenever she came to visit him in his study and badger him with questions before she was off again in a whirlwind of activity. She had many demands on her time and he was lucky to get even a tiny percentage of it. And as for her companions. Half of them deeply distrusted him and the other simply thought of him as the Commander of the Inquisition. Cullen felt suddenly lonely. No one would really care if he was gone. He would be completely replaceable for everyone in this God-Forsaken keep.

 He started walking. He wasn’t entirely sure where he was headed but now he had realised that he was an unlovable and friendless hermit he wanted to do something about it _immediately _.__ He briefly wondered about who the best person to help him pick up women might be but to be honest Sera was probably he most experienced womanizer of the group and there was no way he was going to her for help.

 Someone else then.

 Whoever that poor unsuspecting person was, they were going to be his friend whether they liked it or not. And they were going to help him be more attractive to women.

 And men. Because why not?

**Author's Note:**

> Please tune in next time for uncomfortable dwarves, bad advice and amazing make overs.


End file.
